Monday, May 7, 2012


Worth more...
See Through My Eyes...
I'm A little lonely...
Shaken & Lost...

"The pain is coming back, maybe it's getting a little harder to cope with. No one to talk to talk to, no ears to really listen, might as well be mute. Talking to oneself for comfort, grasping for what little control that is there.  I'm pulling my hair out, finding the arrow cut a little too deep, piercing into this oblivion known as me, finding it's place. Lost."

Little by little, you're moving further from me. Little by little, the pieces are falling into place through this thing called space. I'm waiting, hoping, picking these torn shells from the sea of hope that washes to the sandy light of day. It's very shattered, very torn, having been bled and nothing left. I tried to sew it together and chain it with this thing called hope...but hope is a very very thin chain. Maybe if compassion gave in a little and helped to mend this broken thing then it will be okay to walk the beaches, searching for the missing pieces that is you...

If I can't rely on you...

If I can't speak to you...

If I can't hold you...


Saturday, April 14, 2012

Silver Lined Heart

Dear Blog,

I've abused you. Tremendously. I'm trying and will try harder to pour my brain & heart out, it's the only reason you exist, for me. Crazy is as crazy goes, my mentality's escape for self understanding, or not...Wishes Gibberish, whims, hopes and dreams...rants, anger, delusions. Fear, stupidity.  All the significance.

My tainted heart just might have a sliver of that silver lining...

Thursday, April 28, 2011

I love my lips.

It's difficult for me to love myself...always been. But I'm falling in love with myself slowly... comfort of my own skin. Though I won't truly admit it to anyone, I know I'm getting more comfortable with each step I take. Insecurity has been and still is, my biggest problem. For now it's improving. Maybe it'll be one step forward and two steps back at times...but I am sure one day I'll realize what a unique individual I am and that it's OK and beautiful....until then, I'm trying hard. We're all a beautiful disaster to each our own.

Favorite unique part of me. My lips.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

What A Day

What a day, what a day! My dog woke up extremely sad looking...even a tad sorry? Naughty little him last night made a few accidents on the bed, so I let him sleep in the living room. What kind of dog would go potty again after just going an hour before?! Dookie >___< MADNESS. That's Owen. Well...then I patted him and he felt better. Mr. All High & Mighty.
Wanted to be babied.

Looking extremely sad.
All fine now that Mommy has given him a pat.
Work was: paperwork, paperwork...files, paperwork. Went crazy trying to fix everyone's notes properly, making sure sales/refunds/ signatures, and everything that needed to be there was there. Crazy busy closing and having to sort things out so it makes sense. Someone prank called with Hank Hill's voice on the phone...after five seconds of listening, I hung up. Out of the ordinary, yes. LOL -___- pathetic. Couldn't locate a form which drove me mad...but I'm home now and off today. =) Had the most delicious chicken ever made by my Barbie.

I'm tired now so better get some snooze. Sweet dreams.

Bargain Hoarders

You don't necessarily have to be a hoarder...just a bargain hoarder. >_> When I find something I think is a great deal, I cannot, cannot resist unless I have literally no money.

Silly examples of me being a girl:  Elf products. Saved...$16.00 on them since each is retailed at $9.99 Not bad at all, I must say. ;D

 My first eyelash curler >_> WTH

Strawberry Crunch Cake later that night... 04/24/2011
This is me being spoiled. =)

PS- I think my lucky bamboo is still growing?! Is it possible?!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Yes, My New SGS

Yes, yes! He said I could have the new headset since he already has the other Skullcandy. Just switched the Turtle Beach headset for this awesome new Skullcandy one. =) I was getting a little weary of the white noise the Turtle Beach headset was emitting, and the fact that it used up one of the two USB ports I have on the laptop...which doesn't give me much room to work with any other utility that needs to be connected to another USB port...etc..mouse, I know, I'm a baby.

Super comfortable, great quality, and one more USB port to use! I'm not using it for gaming, but it's perfect for my simple need. Thanks <3 Sweet, ne?

PS- Two days passed and my lucky bamboo isn't dead looks like it's doing well!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Tea Thief

We've all accomplished plenty of things in our life that we regret..may it be by accident or force of attitude. Each and everyone I'm sure, has had their moment of sulking after the high; when the consequences and guilt kick in.

Mine: I took a teacup that wasn't mines at a restaurant. >___> WTF, as if I needed a memory of that wonderful day; and I just had to take it! I felt soo awful afterwards, telling him I did something bad on the ride home and showed him the cup in my lap.  From that alone, I'm still a kid at heart who's always willing to make errors, in hopes of learning from it and improve her situation. XD OMG,  bottom line--- Never steal, or take what isn't yours. Unnecessary steals: Tea, my dad's OWN Teacher's Tea... That MAY be a case of tea hoarding though. Now I am happy to say I have plenty of tea to last me for a while. A whole year! Should start drinking tea again. ;D Green Tea FTW; night owl here I come! Actually--it is bed time. 1:30 Am constitutes to 7 hours of, then I'll be home again. Home sweet home.

Note to Self: She's finally 6 months old now...more beautiful each day. <3 her to death. Truly blessed. She has a liking for Cuties. Who doesn't love Clementines?

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Excuses, Memory Lane & Secrets

Excuses, that's all I ever make. Oh, please add on lies. I'm excellent at it, the bane of my existence. --- Those are his words to define me by. It isn't nice; no one wants to be called a liar outright or be caught in the middle of an excuse. To him, it's all the same. I'm just a terrible liar who can't make anything important happen.

I can't defend myself, I can only rant because that is also what I'm excellent at. I'm the one who makes promises and doesn't get to them for weeks, like doing the dishes or help with the laundry, or setting an appointment -- I've never even used those words on him as harsh as he does for me; because I know it HURTS.

I love him so much, so very much.

I've never been great at talking to people one on one about personal  matters of the heart and feelings; emotions. I wasn't raised into a family who expressed themselves openly coming from my background and culture. There's always more to understand and not be ignorant about.

1. I cook, most of the time when I can
2. I wash the dishes, yes-- by hand, I find out cheating with the dishwasher doesn't make them clean.
3. I do the laundry
4. I take at least my half of the trash out, the dog out...
5. I'm becoming like my mom, just the laziest version of her because I can't compare to her standards but I'm alright with that. <3 you Mommy.

I just want to be appreciated and would like help without having to ask for it; is there something wrong with desiring it?What more can you want or need?

I need to grow a backbone, a stronger one. I don't want to be stepped on like my father did my mother; leaving them was one of the hardest things I've done because I didn't want to become something similar to that...being an Asian wife, a Hmong mom did everything in her power to love, cherish and take care of her family. She's one of the dedicated types, the obeying traditional wife who could do no wrong in the eyes of her family, relatives, clan, and culture. My father took advantage of her love and twisted it in so many ways it broke all our hearts.

What did she do wrong?

Mom cooked- morning, noon, and night. She practically raised all seven of her kids by herself, found work to make more money; she's excellent at needlework and that was a great source of income in the "Old Country" as what I'd like to call our old life in Thailand. She did the dishes, tidied up the house and garden, raised the chicken...did the laundry, and in my opinion slaved for love. She didn't even love my father to start off with - he kidnapped her to be his bride. I shake my head, as I know she has grown to accept, love, and respect my father and for him to treat her as if she was no better than an animal. No, he's not a wife beater. He's never laid a hand on her or any of us kids no matter how bad his temper was and he has a very bad temper. He did come close one time though when they got into a heated argument about his inexcusable "relationships" with other women and I, for once had enough of it and dashed in the middle to protect her when he pushed her. I guess that was the first time I cried at the age of 18 in front of them both, for I was sure the hand he raised was going to slap me. He held back. He was abusive mentally, if not physically, and my mom bore all of it. She's so traditonal, she really can't understand this is America and that she doesn't need to be locked in now, and for once have the freedom she's never had to stand up for herself. Women hide behind the clan elders for help and guidance to resolve family related issues, she was one of these hopefuls, but of course they couldn't persuade my father to change his bad ways. He was an important head figure in my clan too. Sad. Anywho, enough of this route into memory lane. The bottom line is, I don't want to end up broken hearted like her. She says to us kids that we're her only hope and reason now.

I used to get into fights with her all the time, couldn't, wouldn't, and didn't want to understand her reasons behind everything - the way she does what she does. She always told me, "No one's going to love you more than your own mom." And now I know that she's so right...right all along; I tell her she's right at every chance I get.
Now I'm a mother to a beautiful month old baby girl of my own, and I feel just as much if not more of that saying. Just wait til she gets older. Taking care of her isn't easy. Being away from her long isn't either. She gives me joy and I'm content. My little secret for the past nine months is finally here, out in the open. I feel as if I've secretly kept her to myself, safe from the world, and from the harm of wandering thoughts. I've never once blogged about her, but I can freely now. I'm just weird like that. My mother was like that too when she was pregnant. It might be due to shyness, or a cultural thing..but I sure inherited not talking a lot about my pregnancy to anyone but close members of my family. I didn't even tell my best friends who lived a couple of states away that I was pregnant until the day before she was born. How terrible is that? Horrible communication, I know! I'm probably the worst ever. at. that.

Aight, I'm off to bed. My back hurts, I'm sore all over and I need rest before my little Caity awakes for her night feeding. She's so good already I really can't complain. I love her to pieces.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Looking Back - The Little Lost Blogger

A collection of pieces of me, through tidbits of ramblings, poetry, and what nots (dare I include roleplays as well? Maybe just one) from the old blog I used to occupy that little corner of my mental mind from the old world of Myspace. I feel so, OLD. And lost? I'm frowning and pursing my lips now, but I need a place to look back at, since I've stored pieces of my mind all over the netspace; some  dead, others I don't dare touch again or have forgotten the urls to. I have the need to shift, so I'm doing it.

 In Chronological Order as is, and the importance of each piece as I deemed them to me.

"All wisdom is only to be found far from the dwellings of men in the greatest solitudes and it can only be attained through suffering." - An Inuit Proverb
2:09 AM

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Tutti Fruitti Lovesong
Tutti Fruitti Lovesong

You are my darling CUMQUAT,
Oh, you're my PEACH pie,
I think they are the best BERRIES,
The APPLE of my eye.

Don't make me MELON-choly,
Please be my HONEY DEW,
'Cause oh, my sweet Papaya,
I'm BANANAS over you.

I would oh, so be GRAPEFUL
If you'd just say you care,
For it takes two to MANGO,
And we're a PEACHY PEAR.

Oh, ORANGE you a little
COCONUTS for me too?
Please say you'll be mon CHERRY,
I'm so GUAVA over you.

20th Century Poetry Child
3:55 AM

Friday, August 04, 2006

Composition For Thee
Oh Yes...I do have a Composition for it is :

Ever since the dawn of Ancient Civilization, I was always made for those of greater power...

Searched forever through endless time, I keep the secrets of the dead, and capture the imagination of the world alive. Long ago I was kept, valued above all things. Difficult to decipher, I challenged the minds of Empires, the hearts of lovers, and with one mishandle, can swipe down dynasties of strong and noble kings. Hope is stored in boundless words of wisdom; transporting minds to the ends of the vast Universe with a glance, and to hell in a twinkling. Tears of sorrow and joy can be summoned, memories are stored, and dreams are created. Sometimes taken for granted, I am the endless possibility of everyone's deepest desires and can also be the scourge of mankind's sweet illusions. Kept all over the place and sold by the millions; from the beginning derived from a single thought. Expanding the horizons of the inconceivable to a reality as close as life itself. Words lost in translation that has brought down the existence of men upon this earth; and the ageless passions that forever molds our world, yet to be connected by the turn of a page.
4:35 AM

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

My Zangelus's Light

Though my love is ignored, I will still feel it for Her,
because She is the light that gives me hope, the reason I wake up.
If my love for Her were to stop, as if to end, My life would follow it.
She may not think the same for me, but I will look for Her,
my Light shining through the darkness, my angel from the heavens...

My Love for her not mutual,
My lust for her undenying,
And my heartache is like a poison,
Eroding my body away, killing my very soul...
If only I could tell her, and end my suffering.
But for better, or for worst, only She can say...

My love denied, I exile myself into
the deepest confines of an abyss,
so dark, so endless, yet somehow,
so similar to my broken heart,
the pain never-ending, for She unknowingly
has truly slain all that I am, and
all the dreams I had wished to come true...

She left me broken,
She left me untwined,
She abandoned me
for all of time...

I gave her my heart,
I gave her my soul,
Who was I but
Just a fool?

She shut me out,
She left me for dead,
It would have been easier
Had she cut off my head...

She was my angel,
I loved her so,
But all she did
Was cause me woe...

'Till death do we part...


Love has betrayed me,
Happiness denied me,
Grief has slain me,
Jealousy haunts me,
Envy calls me,
And Hate watches as I wither and die...

The Battleground Inside

The joy, the sorrow,
The happiness, the pain,
They all wage war on the
Battleground that is my heart,
Which She plays with like
A puppet on a string...
Can't She just say the 3
words that will save me from
Eternal Abyss...?

My feelings cursed, my love torn,
and my life damned to the
pits of Hell itself, as I finally
realize that there is no 'What if',
and there is no 'Maybe'.
Everything I once wanted is now
shattered and blown into the same
cursed winds that blew
this horrid love my way...

This hatred brewing inside me,
this monster tearing me apart...
I fear it more than I fear death itself.
No matter how hard i try to supress it
into the farthest corner of my mind,
It still threatens to take over
and destroy my very soul.
That is Jealousy...

Did I lose a lover,
or gain a friend?
It doesnt matter,
It's still the end...

For once in my life,
I felt true love,
She looked at me
from up above...

The wretch I am,
the angel She was,
I felt it was fate,
But then it was 'Just because'...

I knew it was over,
that with me, she was through,
But I couldn't help
but say 'I love you'...

A part of me died
on that cursed day,
and when I look back,
I see where I lay...

My Fallen Angel,
So perfect, so true,
but now that I look back,
Its all just a hazy hue...

Inside, I am shattered,
Inside, I am torn,
For now, my heart
is but a raging storm.

We used to be happy,
we used to be carefree,
but true love was never meant
for a wretch like me...

Sometimes I wonder,
sometimes I dream...
Can not I be happy
in this big scheme?

But now that its over,
I look back at you,
and remember how close
I came to saying 'I do'...


We lived in peace
On a world far away.
We stayed with each other
Until that one fateful day.

The darkness came
In the dead of night
We didn't have a chance
To stand up and fight

I tried to protect you
from the onslaught of the dark
But what I saw when I turned
Truly broke my everloving heart.

A portal of darkness
lay underneath your feet
I grasped for your hand
But yours never did meet.

I watched you sink
into that black hole.
I think when it closed
it shattered my soul.

I closed my eyes
awaiting my death,
for without you
I didn't want breath.

I awoke in a place
unknown to the eye,
Where people told me
I fell from the sky.

From that day forward
I wandered, place to place
Searching for someway
to again see your face...


To be inferior, to be irrelevant.
To be inadequate, to be insignificant.
The darkness around me, the chaos inside me.
The light I seek, the peace that has been expelled.
I am complex, I wish to be simple.
I am dirty, I wish to be clean.
Am I dead? I don't seem to be alive.
Am I forgotten? I don't seem to be remembered.
If only I could be recognized,
If only I could not be ignored.
If only I could realize the truth,
If only I could get out of the lies.
This life is a puzzle. I've lost all the pieces...

Slowly, time passes by,
and along with it do the winds of Change.
Cursed to follow me where ever I go,
these Hellish winds torment me with every gust.
Everyone is changing...
Even the ones that I've held the closest
are beginning to erode away due to the constant squalls
produced from this demonic current.
As they do, my heart slowly withers away,
watching as I am separated from the ones
I once thought would never leave,
as they turn their backs and saunter away,
forgetting the bond we once had.
Must they all walk into the forsaken
twister that is the winds of Change?
Or do they give themselves to it, willingly
tossing me away like old trash?
The invisible tears I shed are just that: invisible,
for they obviously cannot see what they do
to my soul, piercing it as if it were nothing...

And along comes another breeze from the winds of Change...


She loves me.
She loves me not.
She's the snare in
Which my heart is caught.

I wish She could see
All the love I hold
But to tell her such things
Would be to kill me cold.

I would jump off the face
of this place called home
Just to make sure
That her smile shone.

To watch her love
That other soul...
Shes ripping my heart,
Making it un-whole.

If ever I am to reach
An eternal bliss,
Then all she must do
is give me a simple kiss.

Until the day
That her heart is mine
I must slowly watch
And bide my time...


Your heart resembles a bolted door
So none could enter and hurt you more
Don't watch her love this other soul
Make her yours, make you whole
Speak of all the love you hold
Tell her things of you untold
Embrace forever eternal bliss
And steal from her that simple kiss
Just take her in your arms on 'three'
Take her heart to set yours free
Look into her clueless eyes
Make it known you softly die
Each second that she doesn't know
About this love you fret to show...

Tears of Blood shall rain
upon the world's trampled soil,
For every person slain
Has caused five others toil.

Each day we wait for the end
to this bloodshed called a war,
So maybe we could slowly mend
The carnage that's from Hell's Door.

But ignorance is just so bliss
That the blood has gone ignored.
So while we wait for Death's cold kiss
Lets hold off Satan's horde.

As the demons' rage slowly builds
While waiting for our blood
The rain will pour onto the killed
Making a black-and-crimson mud.

The End we've awaited has finally neared
To this everlasting war.
And even though Death is what most feared,
They could not ask for more.


To be forgiven and forgotten,
pushed out of her mind.
Or to be forever hers,
In her heart, so divine.

I long to be with her,
to make my soul complete.
But if it's what she desires,
Then my heart will stop it's beat.

If only she could see
That my heart does not tell lies,
Then maybe she'd forgive me
And never say 'good-bye'.

But it seems her heart has spoken,
And I cannot deny it's voice,
It doesn't want me near her,
And my death it would rejoice.

I wish that she would love me,
And show me holy grace,
But she'd rather me disappear,
To leave without a trace.

Farewell, my darling angel,
Of whom I wish to hold.
Though you have forsaken me,
My love is still untold.


Emotions, how they betray us,
And stab us in the back.
If theres one thing in this world,
It's them I'd choose to lack.

Love, it is the worst of them,
Blinding all it seeks.
If only they could truly see,
They'd know how much it reeks.

Next is so-called Happiness,
a fake reality so many trust.
Thinking of it sickens me,
Till gagging is a must.

And now we talk of Sadness,
And people weeping tears in vain.
To think, I wasted breath on them,
I must have surely been insane.

Anger is what we've come to;
Of people and their fits.
They throw tantrums like a baby,
As if they've lost their wits.

Down the aisle comes Jealousy,
With its sparkling emerald eyes.
Truly, this is a vile emotion,
Something of which I despise.

Last, we speak of Hatred.
It's death toll a million strong.
Throughout all of history,
Humanity sings that song.

Emotions are a waste of time,
Of this I'm surely right.
But if you try to battle them,
You'll certainly lose the fight.


Inferiority slays my soul,
Tearing it piece by piece.
If only I could escape its grasp
I'd finally get sweet release.

But forever I'm enshrouded
By the darkness that holds me back.
I wish for once I could be free
But that is something I'm meant to lack.

Oh heavens, why have you cursed me?
Forsaken me to Hell's flame?
I know I've sinned against you,
But were all my prayers in vain?

This sin I have commited,
Jealousy is it's name.
Shredding peoples souls apart
Just so happens to be it's game.

I thought I could ignore it,
Try to make it go away.
But doing all these things
Apparently made it stay.

To think, I felt inferior,
Which somehow lead to sin.
When Envy grabbed me by the neck,
I could tell I'd never win.

As my flesh is burnt away,
Listen to my words.
Inferiority will kill us all
Like the sheep in all the herds.

Do not let them get to you,
The sins that draw so near.
Pay attention to my warnings, please,
For it's them you should truly fear.


Betrayal is motivation,
as is Jealousy and Love.
This emotion I do feel
Keeps me from up above.

It flows through my veins,
Poisoning my bitter heart
It's corrupting even my mind,
And tearing my soul apart.

Everyday it is fueled,
When people hurt me by will.
If only they did know,
It is them I will come to kill.

In my mind I can see
Blood dripping from a knife,
And then I do smile.
I knew I took a life.

Maybe t'was memory,
or maybe t'was a dream.
Yet, no matter what it was,
It motivates me to scheme.

I watch them walk around me,
As if everything's all right.
If they only knew what was coming,
They'd surely run in fright.

This emotion that does drive me,
This feeling deep inside,
It's known as Hatred to one and all,
And I don't want it to subside.

Now, it doesn't matter,
As I'm locked inside a cell.
Killing them, one and all,
Has a promised glorious trip to Hell.


Apparently, you're his angel,
Descended from Heaven above.
When he begins to speak of you,
In his eyes I see true love.

His words flow like a river,
All compliments, through and through.
He never stops to take a breath,
And it's all because of you.

If only you could see his face
As your voice rings in his ears.
You'd realize how much you mean to him,
And that losing you is his greatest fear.

You two are meant to be,
I can see it in the stars.
Just by meeting on that night,
You've healed all of his scars.

So please, do not doubt him,
For his heart belongs to you.
There has never been a time
Where I've seen love be so true.


This one mistake I made...
I've never felt such pain...
If I'd just payed attention,
I'd have seen him in my lane.

Three of us, unscathed...
Like we'd just fallen down...
But... Oh what have I done...
Just because I'm the clown...

She'll never wake again...
I'll never see her smile...
She said she'd always be there,
That for me, she'd run a mile...

I should've listened to her plights,
Her warnings that would come true.
My carelessness made her sleep
And turn this pale-white hue.

And now I find him sleeping,
though at least he can still dream...
Why was I so foolish?
It makes me want to scream...

They say his eyes will open,
That one day, he will awake.
Oh, just to see that smile,
My heart it would remake.

Please forgive me, Riku...
I'd gladly take your place...
Just please, once more,
Bring a smile to my face...


We lived in peace
On a world far away.
We stayed with each other
Until that one fateful day.

The darkness came
In the dead of night
We didn't have a chance
To stand up and fight

I tried to protect you
from the onslaught of the dark
But what I saw when I turned
Truly broke my everloving heart.

A portal of darkness
lay underneath your feet
I grasped for your hand
But yours never did meet.

I watched you sink
into that black hole.
I think when it closed
it shattered my soul.

I closed my eyes
awiting my death,
for without you
I didnt want breath.

I awoke in a place
unknown to the eye,
Where people told me
I fell from the sky.

From that day forward
I wandered, place to place
Searching for someway
to again see your face...


Each world that I have come to,
Each place I look for you,
The Darkness does soon appear
I'm their target, it must be true.

One place that I came to,
It was so unlike the rest.
Traverse Town is what it's called.
With it's people, I am impressed.

Heartless are like rats here,
Exterminated at first sight.
They even had an army,
With thousands there to fight.

It took only a few warriors
To rid the Army of the Dark.
They made it look so easy,
Like taking a walk in the park.

A small group of friends, it seems,
Though fighters, one and all.
As I watched, I filled with curiousity,
For with ease, the Army did fall.

'Maybe they knew about her'
Was a major thought in my mind.
So off I went to meet them,
This was certainly a great find.


Chains of Fate

Those who come, those who go,
They're all caught within Fate's flow.
Unknowingly, they think they're free,
When they're really stuck with Destiny.

Life is shared, Death is mourned.
Hearts are healed, Souls are torn.
Smiles are shared, Tears are shed.
Will the destined paradox ever end?

We're bound by chains, you and I,
Imprisoned here until we die.
Our only difference, can't you see,
I'm fighting against my Destiny.

These chains of Fate that bind us so
They hold us back, won't let us grow.
If you long for freedom, then without delay,
Let's sever these chains on this 'fateful' day.

Broken chains lie on the floor,
And freedom lies beyond that door.
But before you go, help me please,
Let's free the rest from 'Destiny'.


Of Heaven and of Hell

Banished from their homes
Known as Heaven and as Hell
Their fight is now our burden
For it is here that they dwell.

The Seven Holy Virtues
And the Seven Deadly Sins
They fight each to the death
Not knowing who would win.

The Sins were cast from Hell
Damned in a whole new way.
The Virtues were cast from Heaven
Forsaken on that fateful day.

They fight on our plane now,
Continuing their bloody fight.
Will light get rid of darkness,
or will darkness swallow light?

4:18 AM ((A buddy's poems he stashed for me.))

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

"Little Rock Nine", Looking Back..poems.
BRB, Life is wonderful. I hate you..I love me, we love us, what more? Candy! I hate love me, what can't be? You need me, I hate you..we love as we can, you run, I kill you..I will be right back with your heart in a bucket and a mop for those memories we secretly shared. {Wednesday, August 09, 2006}


Back NOW { Wednesday, August 17, 2006}

Has it really been a week? A wonder. **Points to the BRB quote up there** Now..that, was a random rambling! This however..was written long ago after weeks and weeks of indulgence in the Civil Rights Movement, and and inspired by the book, Little Rock Nine; and were at the top of my head too..but there's meaning and yes, feelings for a cause that forever shifted America and it's ideals.My range of knowledge could shock ya..then again, I'm everywhere. Everything posted, no matter how obscure or minuscule to others.. involves a little part of me, which deems it worthy, so what do I think? In your mind..we end up with ice cream and roller coaster rides..with my mind, we see the stars at a glance and worlds beyond. The bigger picture isn't all pretty, but rather pure..of reality. My preferences then? Whatever makes one move from where they're sitting on today to where they sleep at night..mind - wise. Confusion is..something I have in plenty. Always willing to share it too! As long as it makes one's a start to actually doing something to the point of..aww, yes, achieving anything.

There you were, alone yet so brave.
I was near, ashamed for what Ive behaved.
You somehow stood tall and carried on.
My friend ran, and suddenly I'm the coward.
Sorry, was all I could murmur.

You passed by silently and I was glad.
Glad you weren't hurt physically, no harm.
Too late, I realized the hurt that came,
It never had to come from words.

I asked myself, aren't you and I the same?
Now looking back, I was unable to help you.
But what nagged at me the most was simply my blame.
I wasn't able to help myself, and I regret it now.
There is no right or wrong answer, except, HOW?

-- Bystander--

Remembered as an endless horror
Alone I stood by the corner.
Prayed with all my strength for the
Will to carry on, but for how long?
Unable to move, I held my head high
With no spark as to an emotion.

I dreaded the day, please make it go faster.
Again, the hall was a raging river.
Driven to survive yet another day,
The warrior inside me had to obey.

At times, I believed it was a miracle
To be here, but at what cost?
Words couldn't describe what I've fought.
So hard this is, but I shall not perish
For any other reason but flourish.

--Whispered Thoughts--

Changes, it happens when you least expect it.
Sometimes its a slow agonizing process,
Other times, its as quick as a lightening bolt.
Joy, sorrow, war, and peace, all frozen in time.

A deep wound wont just welcome joy, it takes time.
War, a conflict, a struggle, for all the right
And wrong reasons, like a bell, it chimes.
The echoes go as far as its possible, everywhere.

At last, a compromise is founded and will slowly
Begin to build an inner peace for as long as it
Will last until again.
Change, it happens when you least expect it.


-- In memory of the Civil Rights Movement --

One decision hangs loose. If you hold on too tight,
Its going to die. But if your grip isn't strong enough,
Like a bird, it will fly out of site.

You felt yourself a traitor, torn between your loyalty.
One to your family and friends, the other to your
Sense of quilt and responsibility.

All of a sudden you have been drawn into all the wrong circles
And everything that used to seem so right, is all trash.
When are you getting out of this mess?
It is hard to tell, yet even harder to confess.

One decision hangs loose. If you hold on too tight,
Its going to die. But if your grip isn't strong enough,
Like a bird, it will fly out of sight.

-- Loyalty And Traitor --

Sometimes, I want to run away, throw my skin off.
But if I had the choice, what color then?
White, when I'm loved, Serenity...
Red, when I'm angry, Power...
Yellow, when I'm happy, Pride...
Green, when I'm sick, Uniqueness...
Blue, when I'm sad, Emotion...
Black, when things seem impossible to do, Will...
My life, as well as yours is surrounded by colors.
Everything done and conceived is of color, shades.
My skin is what makes me, simply me and it is
Every bits and pieces tell who I am.
You are too, colored as well as I.
If you aren't colored, there is no need to lie.

-- Colored Impressions
4:35 AM

Monday, May 07, 2007

If You Forget Me

If You Forget Me
I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.
6:48 PM ((Some random poem I liked? And of course, had to relate to somehow or else it wouldn't be here.))

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Third-String Nobody

Coach Lou Little was preparing his football team for the 1934 Rose Bowl when a third-string senior-a young man who had scarcely gotten off the bench the whole season-approached him with a request.
"Coach, I'm going to ask a big favor of you," he began.
"I need to arrive at the Rose Bowl the day of the game," the young man answered.
Both the coach and the player realized this was a most unusual request since the rest of the team would arrive several days in advance to prepare for the biggest game of the year.
"Why do you need to do th at?" Coach Little asked.
"My dad died a few days ago," the player said, "and I need to be home with my mom for a few days-but I'll be there in time for the game, for sure."
"Son, I'm sorry to hear about your dad," Coach Little replied. "Why don't you just go home and stay with your mom instead of returning for the game?"
Knowing there was little chance this four-year bench warmer would play in the Rose Bowl, Coach Little thought he was doing the young man a favor by releasing him. He truly believed it would in the the young man's best interest to stay at home, but the player would have none of it.
"Coach, you don't understand!" he protested. "I would never let you or the team down like that. I don't want to miss out on the game. I'm asking if I can just show up for the day of the game."
Seeing the player's determination, Coach Little finally granted the request.
True to his word, on January first, the young man arrived at the Rose Bowl and went straight to the locker room and dressed for the game. He then tracked down coach because he had one more request-a request most players in his position would ever have the nerve to even think about.
"Coach," he began, looking at Lou Little in the eye with all the earnestness he could muster, "you've got to let me start today. Please! I promise you, you won't be sorry."
Coach Little would later say, "I don't know what got into me. Even though the young man had never started a game in four years. I found myself agreeing to his request. I guess I figured that since we won the coin toss and since we were going to be receiving, I could put him into block and just take him out after the first play without any damage..."
What happened next, amazed everyone. The kick fell short, and the player designated to receive the kick didn't get it. Instead, the young man who was a third-string player was the one carrying the ball. Ignited with passion, he took off and made it all the way to the twenty-yard line!
For some reason Coach Little decided to leave him in the game. The opening run was scored and play after play, it was this former third-string nobody who became the deciding factor in the stunning upset in the Rose Bowl that day. The young man was carried off the field by his teammates.
Later that evening, when the stands were empty for the clean-up crew, Coach Little noticed a solitary figure standing alone out on the fifty-yard line. When he realized it was the young player, Coach Little approached him. "Son, you've been apart of this team for four years. You've been faithful in showing up for practice: You've always done whatever I asked of you, but I've never seen the player that played here today. Today you played with passion. What made the difference?"
"Coach, have you ever seen my parents on campus?" he asked.
"As a matter of fact, I have. I never met them, but remember being impressed with how much in love they seem to be. I always saw them arm in arm everywhere they went."
"Well, Coach, they were very much in love, bu that's not the main reason you always saw them arm in arm. My father was blind. My mother helped guide him when he didn't want to use s white cane. For four years, my dad came to every home game, listening to the loudspeaker and hoping to hear the announcer mention my name. But that never happened-mostly because I never gave it my all. As you know, a few days ago my daddy died. And Coach, today was the first game that my daddy could see me play, and that made all the difference.
6:27 PM (( Story I liked so much, I had to treasure it.))

Saturday, June 02, 2007

The Final I Failed
Current mood:Mindful

The Final I Failed

Finals week had arrived with all its stress. I had been up late cramming for an exam. Now, as I slumped in my seat, I felt like a spring that had been wound too tight. I had two tests back-to-back, and I was anxious to get through them. At the same time I expected to be able to maintain my straight-A-point average.

As I waited impatiently for the professor to arrive, a stranger walked up to the blackboard and began to write:

Due to a conflict, your professor is unable to give you your test in this classroom. He is waiting for you in the gymnasium.

Oh, great, I thought. Now I have to walk clear across campus just to take this stupid exam.

The entire class was scurrying out the door and rushing to the gym. No one wanted to be late for the final, and we weren't wasting time talking.

The route to the gym took us past the hospital. There was a man whose wife just had given birth to a baby in the hospital. He had been there before, but he must have been confused.

Oh, well, I told myself. Someone will come along soon and help him. I just don't have the time to stop now.

So I hurried along with the rest of the class on our way to take that final exam. AS we continued down the sidewalk, a woman came rushing out o a nearby bookstore. She had a baby on one arm, a stack of books on the other, and a worried look on her face. The books fell onto the sidewalk, and the baby began to cry as she stooped to pick them up.

She should have left that kid at home, I thought. I dodged her as the class and I rushed along.

Just around the next corner someone had left a dog on a leash tied to a tree. He was a big, friendly mutt, and we all had seen him there before, but today he couldn't quite reach a pan of water left for him. He was straining at his leash and whining.

I thought, What cruel pet owner would tie up a dog and not leave his water where he could reach it? But I hurried on.

AS we neared the gym, a car passed us and parked close to the door. I recognized the man who got out as one of the maintenance crew. I also noticed he left the lights on.

"He's going to have a problem when he tries to start that car to go home tonight," the fellow next to me said.

By that time, we were going in the doors of the gym. The maintenance man waved a greeting to us and disappeared down one of the halls. We found seats close to where our teacher waited.

The professor stood with his arms folded, looking at us. We looked back. The silence became uncomfortable. We all knew his tests were also teaching tools, and we wondered what he was up to. He motioned toward the door, and in walked in the blind man, the young mother with her baby, a girl holding the big dog on a leash, and the maintenance man.

These people had been planted along the way in an effort to test whether or not the class had grasped the meaning behind the story of the Good Samaritan and the man who fell among thieves. We all failed.
9:33 PM (( Yet, another inspirational story that touched me.))

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Surrealists..I Understand Now!
Current mood:In Accomplished

René François-Ghislain Magritte

Nov. 21, 1898 – Aug. 15, 1967

Rene Magritte was born on November twenty-first, 1898 in Lessines, Belgium. He was the oldest son of Leopold Magritte, a tailor, and Adeline, a milliner. At the age of twelve, Magritte began to paint and draw; and during the year of 1912, a tragic event happened in his life. His mother committed suicide by drowning herself in Sambre River. Magritte saw her fished from the river naked, except for her dress obscuring her face. This would later appear in many of Rene Magritte's paintings in various ways. Afterwards, their family moved to Charleroi, where he meets his future wife, Georgette Berger. Magritte enrolled at Academie Royale des Beaux-Arts in Brussels in 1914 and, after a short period of military service in 1921, joined the surrealist movement. He was a poster and advertisement designer until 1926 when he produced his first surreal panting, Le jockey perdu, (The Lost Jockey) and held his first exhibition in Brussels in 1927. It turned out to a mess as others quickly criticized him, and depressed by that failure he moved to Paris where he became friends with Andre Breton, becoming involved in the surrealist group.

He was initially inspired by Italian artist Giorgio Chirico for his quests to express the mysterious forms in his art. Magritte incorporated his own Fantasies of the commonplace, or juxtaposition of ordinary objects in an unusual context; giving new meanings to familiar things. One of his most famous paintings is of a pipe, but with it he wrote "Ceci n'est pas une pipe" This is not a pipe. It's actually correct; the painting isn't a pipe, but an image of a pipe. In his many "Ceci n'est pas…" works, Rene Magritte suggests that no matter how closely through realism art, one arrives to depicting an image correctly, we never really do catch the image itself, but capture it's image on canvas. "All is not as it appears to be" is the truth for many of his depictions. His surrealist paintings utilize stupendously disturbing and dream-like images. What's so unique about Rene's paintings is that he produces them with a combination of two things; one, a reflection of his real life and events, and a chance to create weird off-world imagery that doesn't exist in real life. He works were showed in 1936, in New York, and the Museum of Modern Art in 1965, and others at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in 1992. Rene Magritte died of pancreatic cancer on August 15, 1967 and buried at Schaarbeek Cemetery in Brussels.

At first glance, I had no clue as to what actual surrealism is, so I'm glad I took the suggestion of someone who greatly admires his work and check up on it. I discovered that he considered his paintings to be a defiance of common sense in the same we he thinks of the world as we know it. Rene shows objects that aren't there, to provide more of a mystery than a symbol.He also manages to capture the viewer's attention by frightening them into not understanding his images. It's his customary style to put objects where they aren't usually found, or combine it with other contradictory images such, as "Time Transfixed" of a locomotive coming out of a Chimney, and "Meditation" with real live candle "worms" at the edge of the ocean sand, a sort of beacon in the night while out as sea.

"The mind loves the unknown. It loves images whose meaning is unknown, since the meaning of the mind itself is unknown."

- René Magritte
9:40 PM (( How can I forget my report on one of my favorite all time artists? Added, I was proud of it.))

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Two AM Clash
Current mood:Everything

It's 2:05 Am, and the significance of a whirlwind of thoughts has to be taken off my mind, at least for tonight..or this early in the morning; the correct term. The song playing at this very moment is "Everything", by Lifehouse. There are only two songs on this playlist as I never got around to perfecting it whole. "Heaven is a place nearby" softly runs in the background now. Before I forget anything too important, at least for all went to green envy. Today isn't followed by that, but a rather sad calm early in the morning. My mind is so scattered…I don't dislike it, it's boggling at times, but I've learned to cope and accept this part of me…to really loving it for all the good and the bad. Mental, I'd say to tell the truth; but who else knows if the owner's never willing to show? No signs in the way she moves…but the way she looks at things are questionable. Bare with it these scattered remnants, for it'll mean more than any treasure worthy of hold to her; just keep in mind, it's her, not me…or you.

I'm not so engrossed in friends, the What Is, and what will be popular, but in the traditional family life of living. Is it lonely? Shy..too shy to want to come into contact with anyone else unless it's family related. Not having anyone outside the family circle is almost like wanting to go to Chicago, but ending up there with no idea as to how you got details, no visions. It's all planned-out. Going shopping…you barely hear the female cashier tell you the price of what you've bought and almost losing it as she hands you the change, not aware of it coming out of the ten dollars you've just given her. And you're there, waiting for your food to be finished so you can take it home for your siblings. The guy grilling the chicken teriyaki keeps glancing back at you, while you're admiring his work in the oddest sense, smiling slightly. Why does he have such an intense gaze at me…? Do I look lost, again? Maybe I look familiar, or worse, strange from the crowd. Well, the food's finished, and my friend came back, so it's home time. That is it..home. Home for about three years now, country style away from the big cities, and my cage of refuge. The tall trees surround my front and back yard, gated in from all sides, saved for the very center of the sky way up high. The stars are splendid…everytime, does anyone know? Am I wasting time gazing away…for a future I don't have lost in myself.

Coming to realize now…that comparing one's self to another always falls short if you lack confidence or self –esteem. Insecurity grips quite sharp, if you've come to term with what others have and you don't. Young girls having the "Fun" of their lives and experiencing the most ridiculous things; crushes, boyfriends..mistakes, love, marriage..and a family of their own. Mindful, I never cared…of course it's in the back of my mind every time someone younger or just a few years older get's married. Hey, now they must have someone who fully loves them for who they are, everything. No need to envy such..they're the lucky ones to have found each other. Maybe, I'm never meant to have a life and know that part…well, who knows, right? 5 minutes until 3 AM, dead of night. This segment is closed, mind has been boxed with key words, and the real letters tossed to the winds until those key words push back around. Sweetest dreams to you.

Wait up a bit, this feels like deja vous..must of written it before? Heh….I'm like that, the wind did re-toss those key words at me again. It's bed time for me now..bon nuit.

3:39 PM

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Timing Mute


Speak of the devil, my call’s here. 11:45 PM. Today was the usual…except for that damn cold sore which makes me b**** about everything, and at everything. The dishes were a wreck today too. Disappointment runs a very high thread whenever I’m around it. I need to get back in touch with a couple of friends, been way too long. But aye..afraid of the first approach. I did however manage to contact some friends on my buddy list…or at least dropped by. Ack, it’s ridiculous to a degree. Ah, hehe…back to commenting on the call. It’s more of a listening business, there’s nothing to say or talk about especially if the other person on the end of the receiver is talking to a bunch of his buddies and locked in a racing game deal, ya know? What’s a girl to do, but maybe confuzzle everything up. Sides, it would have been such a strange feeling. Anyways, I think its best not to complain because I have nothing to contribute..hmm, another odd job on the way.

Ah! I joined Hyebaragi today, she’s got the most desired skin on this earth, I’ve made up my mind! It’s all in Korean though, with minimal English. First time it sounds like Japanese, but with a bunch of stones in their mouths mumbling. Ah, you didn’t hear that from me! It’s just my mind trying to comprehend differences. Hehe…I want to learn Korean for a bit now, it was interesting watching those Korean episodes and not understanding! Since I’ve broken my world barrier with English, French, Japanese, tads of Chinese and Thai..why not try and conquer a bit of Korean for myself as well along with more Miaon? Well..slowly! I’m not even positive of myself and what I actually want in the future, to have, so there’s the downside.

Note to self: I’m not a blog addict; this is more for my private view, parts of an actual secret coded Diary. Argh!! My cold sore’s killing me !! ~sniffles~ I’ve been throwing tantrums…the place is the most terrible, undesired bothersome thing ever = Inside the left cheek of my mouth. At this point, I’m almost willing to do anything.,,anything to get rid of it except put salt inside my mouth. I can’t stand anything too sour or sweet in my mouth nowadays. I prefer the bitter tasting of vegetables such as Daikon, especially High Way Grass (Edit) and Green Tea; my addiction.

My Daviy suggests swishing my mouth with salt water to rinse out any bacterial infections in it and it’ll sting like hell, so I’m way too much of a chicken to try. I’m very reluctant to do it; even three dashes of salt seem like poison. Now it’s in my mouth, gah..stings, but it’s actually not this bad. The taste is just damn salty. I took his suggestion, can’t wait for the results. Anyways, it’s almost 2 AM and Daviy’s way too excited with his it’s my bed time about. Sweetest dreams.
1:14 PM

Monday, March 24, 2008

The Letter Every Daughter Needs
Category: Blogging

To my dearest daughter,

I’m leaving you this letter in hopes that when the time comes and I’m not able to be there for you, you won’t feel completely alone or lost. You may only be 8 now, but you’re growing up and your world is just beginning to open. You’ve bloomed with the best of childhood dreams and will experience many things that will last for a lifetime. Your adolescent years, the time you will spend turning from a carefree child into an independent adult will no doubt consist of ups and downs; a roller coaster ride of physical as well as emotional growth. You’ll begin your journey of adolescence with puberty-a time where your body will start to change physically turning into a young woman. You’ll have your moody days because of all the surging hormones keeping up to these rapid be kind to your father. If anything, he’ll be the one who will understand you the most up to some degree because he’s gone through the same issues with his parents. But if you’re uncomfortable talking to him or another adult, one of your friends will know exactly how you’re feeling and going through because both of you are at the same stage.

You’ll learn to confide in each other of secrets, wishes, and desires. You’re going to think about your feelings in depth, and of what others are thinking, especially of you. As you mature, you’ll begin to ponder about ideal possibilities and compare it to the realities of society, your dad, and even yourself. You’ll gain self-knowledge firsthand as you act out and find your individuality, have a say in what you agree or disagree on, wants and don’t wants, what’s good and evil, and realize truths from wrongs. You’re going to struggle a bit to find yourself, form close bonds with friends and families and most importantly of all, learn to love-yourself, and life. You will be intimate, forming close emotional relationships, and have the support of those who love you. As you emerge into the caring and wise independent woman and start a family of your own, you’ll always carry with you compassion and empathy for those all around you. Live life to the fullest, give back to others and don’t ever lose sigh of your bliss.

Deepest of loves,

3:52 PM

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Asking for Services to Fake Babies

Ever find yourself stuck when you want help or in my situation, need it? I’ve always had difficulty asking people for things I need help with. But the thing that got to me was..last night my mom had asked me, no she implored that I call one of my neighbors, whos the Septic guy also. Makes a great living, beautiful wife...she gives us jams, jellies..and we give her flowers from our Farmer’s
Anywho, I’m supposed to call him and ask him to come over to check out our septic tank..the thing was, nothing felt right while I think of the perfect way to call him or leave a message without sounding How do you talk or leave a message to your Septic Guy to come and clean out poo? Or vacuum it? Lol..u.u...I felt so nerved out. I couldn’t say please...but I wanted to be kind; I mean it is his job. I just couldn’t place the words...I even discussed it with my two siblings, who’re a bit older than the rest. My younger sister was being sarcastic and telling it straight. (she’s snooping around me as I’m typing now and saying she wasn’t sarcastic, that she meant it. Grrr...she’s got a temper..teenage hormones...yeah, been through still at it? ) I was appalled! My little brother had no idea, and just asked me what to say to him because I MADE him call. I just said leave our name and address..that our septic tank was full and w needed his services. Something felt missing though...all I know is I was highly uncomfortable for something so necessary, you know? Like going to the hospital and lying about information on your own health..~coughs~ Doctors, doctors...I dislike them by the way, lol. Or hospitals in general.
A friend of mines, her mom just had a hysterectomy and I went along to visit her mom. She’s feeling better now by the way, which is great! But during that whole week, I had to carry around my Baby-Think-It-Over. Those electronic babies are can really make you tired. Especially at night with the crying and long feedings, lol..but I was glad that the baby didn’t cry when I took her to the hospital with me. O.o; The nurse thought my fake baby was a real! She asked me how old it was, and I told her it was my Think-It-Over. She was surprised when I told her to look closely xD! Anywho..I wouldn’t be wanting them to think me wrong. But I couldn’t kill mines if I wanted was required for me to be able to graduate. I aced the test, perfect score, although my baby’s batteries died on the last day, which was a peaceful day! Lol My friend Amber took care of it every day at Third block because I’m a bad I was anxious when I got her, especially beinging her home and trying not to BREAK her neck; we named her Kuri or "Cutie" which means Cucumber in Japanese because she was wearing a lime colored outfit and that was just cute. Well..let’s just say it’s instinct when I hear a baby crying, I automatically turn around to look for the cry. That’s what that class did to made me hear babies crying for the whole week when there was actually no crying whatsoever at all. Freaky, ne? I do miss the baby a bit...but total relief it’s over with and yes, it made me think of twice, three times, what dedication and time consumption a parent will have for their’s a necessity. If you’re not prepared to sacrifice your precious time of day for every need the baby wants, you’re far from ready to be a parent.

Anywho! I’m crazy xD Someday I’m gonna look back on, more messy visuals for moi!

~yawns~ I’m finished ranting, lol.

For Mona ~ The E-Mail I Promised You...
Current mood: blessed
Category: Blogging


Once a little girl went to school.
She was quite a little girl.
And it was quite a big school.
But when the little girl
Found that she could go to her room
By walking right in from the door outside,
She was happy.
And the school did not seem
Quite so big anymore.

One morning,
When the little girl had been in school awhile,
The teacher said,
"Today we are going to make a picture."
"Good!" thought the little girl.
She liked to make pictures.
She could make all kinds.
Lions and tigers,
Chickens and cows,
Trains and boats.
And she took out her box of crayons
And began to draw.

But the teacher said, "Wait!"
"It is not time to begin."
And she waited until everyone looked ready.
"Now," said the teacher,
"We are going to make flowers."
"Good!" thought the little girl.
She liked to make flowers.
And she began to make beautiful ones
With her pink and orange and blue crayons.
But the teacher said, "Wait!"
"And I will show you how."
And it was red with a green stem.
"There," said the teacher,
"Now you may begin."

The little girl looked at the teacher's flower.
Then she looked at her own flower.
She liked her flower better than the teacher's
But she did not say this.
She just turned her paper over
And made a flower like the teacher's.
It was red with a green stem.

On another day,
When the little girl had opened
The door from the outside all by herself
The teacher said,
"Today we are going to make something in clay."
"Good!" thought the little girl.
She liked clay.
She could make all kinds of things with clay.
Snakes and snow creatures,
Elephants and mice,
Cars and trucks.
And she began to pull and pinch her ball of clay.

But the teacher said, "Wait!"
"It is not time to begin!"
And she waited until everyone looked ready.
"Now," said the teacher,
"We are going to make a dish."
"Good!", thought the girl.
She liked to make dishes.
And she began to make some
That were all shapes and sizes.

But the teacher said, "Wait!"
"And I will show everyone how to make
One deep dish."
"There," said the teacher,
"Now you may begin."

The little girl looked at the teacher's dish.
Then she looked at her own.
She liked hers better than the teacher's
But she did not say this.
She just rolled her clay into a big ball again
And made a dish like the teacher's.
It was a deep dish.
And pretty soon
The little girl learned to wait and the watch
And to make things look just like the teacher's.
Pretty soon
She didn't make things of her own anymore.

Then it happened
That the little girl and her family
Moved to another house in another city.
And the little girl
Had to go to another school.
This school was even bigger than the other
And there was no door from the outside
Into her room.
She had to go up some big steps
And walk down a long hall
To get to her room.

And the very first day she was there
The teacher said,
"Today we are going to make a picture."
"Good!" thought the little girl.
And she waited for the teacher
To tell her what to do.

But the teacher didn't say anything.
She just walked around the room.
When she came to the little girl
She said, "Don't you want to make a picture?"
"Yes," said the little girl,
"What are we going to make?"
"I don't know until you make it." said the teacher.
"How shall I make it?" asked the little girl.
"Why, any way you like." said the teacher.
"And any color?" asked the little girl.
"Any color." said the teacher.
"If everyone made the same picture,
And used the came colors,
How would I know who made what,
And which was which?"
"I don't know." said the little girl.
And she began to make a red flower with a green stem.
Mona, you are the difference..the circle inside the square,
the vibrant lines and elegant designs in between,
the colors outside the lines...
I was exactly like that little girl...
until I met you.
You opened my eyes and accepted my style,
You guided me and loved my art.
My sketchbook is full of warmth;
There are no words to describe..
You were that brilliant shooting star,
Determined to leave her beauty and mark,
Forever your legacy will live in us all.
Thank you..for touching my life with your presence.

5:20 AM

Saturday, June 28, 2008

A Woman’s Tear - Notes to Self
A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him.

"I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."

Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"

"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.

Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?"

God said:

"When I made the woman she had to be special."

"I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world,

yet gentle enough to give comfort."

"I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children."

"I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining."

"I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly."

""I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

"I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly."

"And finally, I gave her a tear to shed." "This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."
"That tear holds more then men could understand."

" If a man was to shed her tear it

would look enormous."

"For a woman's tear is full of unconditional love, power,sacrifice,beauty,pain,and compassion."

"All ten fold of what a Man is able to feel."

"And that is my son, why I made her as close to being Supernatural."

"She's my gift to the world she's an Angel on Earth. "

"Love her and praise her for there will be no other here on Earth that will Love you like I do then your Mother."
"You see my son," said God, "The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair."

The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."
9:49 PM

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


Empathy is defined as understanding; capability to share in another being's emotions and feelings.

I don't think he'll understand the situation tonight, my emotions...feelings..etc etc. I'm still just uber upset and sad, very sad. I waited, and waited..for him to pick me up from work. Stood outside the door literally for 10 minutes, searched around the parking lot, glanced left, right...up and down for any signs of the car--- to only discover 50 minutes later that he was there the whole time apparently waiting for me. Worried sick to my stomach, upset that something bad had happened to him...and to only hear him shouting at me afterwords. It brought tears to my eyes. First time I cried in front of a guy at Seven Eleven while shuffling quarters out of the quarter cup; forced to get toilet paper. Yes, I paid for 4 rolls of toilet paper in quarters with tear stains as well.

Point was, I called home twice, left messages thinking, how could he forget me?! And even called his mom just in-case he went to her house. I sat patiently waiting  outside the area where I always sit waiting for him, fuming away with my bare foot on the warm cement and rubbing it after literally standing for 8 hours and outside. I'm just aching, in pain...and of course hormonal. Still, never once did I see him drive around the parking lot searching for me. Because I was literally looking at every headlight and passing car looking and waiting anxiously. I'd have preferred him forgetting me completely or still asleep.

-Sighs- Okay, even after I got home and had a long cry in the shower--- I must admit I'm just a very mad, sad and depressed individual who's going through a hard time because she can't stand up or take care of herself and her life properly, and what's on the way. My eyes are heavy, so I must try to sleep now as  I work again tomorrow. Farewell and good night.